Two years ago this month

I was going through some old journal entries and I found something that I wrote in October 2008. I am such a different person than I used to be, and it is so amazing! Hurray for progression and growth! Anyway, here are some insecurities that I once had. Maybe later I'll write a 2010 version of assessing my wants, hope and expectations for the future beyond graduation in April (or possibly June) to highlight the progress.

"So I am set to graduate from college in April. Then what? Well, I've been telling myself and others that I want to go on to graduate school and study Marriage and Family Therapy and then get licensed and become a practicing MFT. Really, I want to get married and have a family, but if that doesn't come in the near future, I don't want to live life, of miss living life, by waiting around for it to find me. So I'm pursuing higher education and something that I feel would be meaningful and that I would enjoy doing. The problem is, I don't know that I'd be good at it, and I don't know that I can even get accepted to a program. In fact, I am coming to find that I have very little hope that I can get accepted into grad school or be successful in it.

Here's my rationale (and I feel pretty realistic and rational about my view on all of this). My GPA isn't very high. And the way things are going, this semester might not get it to a level to where I would even be considered. I'm just under 3.4, which I believe is the cut-off GPA to be considered. And I'm worried about this semester. Not bad grades worried, but not good enough grades to take my cumulative to where I need it to be worried.

Also, I don't know if I'll be able to get a competitive score on the GRE. I took a practice test on Saturday. I didn't tell anyone. I was too embarrassed. I scored less than 900. I need a 1100 to be competitive. Granted, I hadn't studied at all for months and I didn't even try to work out the equations for the quantitative section. I know I can do considerably better than I did the preparing, thinking through the questions, taking my time, and working out the math. But I'm still concerned.

Also, I don't know who to ask for letters of recommendation. Dr. Harper is one, and that will be great, but who else? I don't feel confident about asking anyone who knows me as a student, because I'm not a good student. I slouch in my seat in class and rarely participate. I can find someone to write me a good letter, but not someone that knows me personally. And I don't feel good about that.

Further, I'm simply not a disciplined student. I can be good. But typically, I'm a procrastinator and my cognitive processing ability seems to be quite slow. I can get by, but I don't excel. And I feel I should operate at a higher level to be competitive at grad school. Mel is struggling at grad school and I would consider her to be considerably more intelligent and hard-working and disciplined than I. I don't know if I could handle grad school

And then, if I can and do get it, and if I do pass my classes, I don't know that I have the social skills to be able to really relate to and help people as a clinician. I'm pretty horrible at giving advice, at assessing situations, etc. I'm bad at remembering theories and learnings. And names and situations. I just don't know if I could do the job well. And I would need to do the job well or I would not be satisfied in doing it."