I figured this out as I was reflecting on my 1:00 hour on Friday. I ended up subbing a Marital Enhancement class at BYU during that hour. And I only had an hour's notice. At about quarter after noon I rushed home to change and get presentable looking, then I walked to campus while reading a manual for the subject I would be covering. I arrived on time, but was less than adequately prepared. Looking back, I now know what I would have liked to have done to have made that a good class period. But alas, at the time, it was less than ideal. It was probably the worst teaching experience I've had since I taught that pet care class the summer after I graduated from high school.
There was all manner of awkward silences, a few people got up and left, and I really was unprepared and it showed. I would have expected to feel embarrassed and inadequate. But somehow, I don't. I recognize some mistakes now (and I hope to avoid repeating them in my presentation tomorrow in the research methods class), and would do things differently in view of them. But, let's be honest. I didn't have time to prepare. I didn't know the subject manner well. And I was able to make the second half of the class much better than the first half. The last 5 minutes were even great.
I think it helped that I have good experiences in teaching my two classes. Plus, the day before I had read the feedback comments for the Winter and Spring coding classes, which were very complimentary (well, except maybe for one...which I'm not sure what to think about). But I knew that my awkwardness and inability to engage the class wasn't evidence that I was a bad teacher or person.
And I remember that as I was teaching and could tell that things were not going well, that I wasn't worried about what the class thought of me. I did feel badly that I wasn't better able to help them engage as learners. But I didn't blame myself. I thought of ways I could better fulfill that goal though, and so I think I learned some good things.
This may not make much sense. I should probably be asleep right now. Anyway, moral of the story: I can make mistakes and have them simply be evidences that I am a work in progress and that other people have agency. Failure at a task isn't evidence of failure as a person or even failure within a role. I'm glad that I am at a place in my life where I realize that.
3 comments:
Can you teach me how to be like this? Nate is the same way and I wish I didn't care so much! You are great.
I gave the RS lesson last sunday... it didn't go that well... oh well. I tried to prepare and it justdidn't seem to go anywhere.
Yep, it's been at least 3 months since I've cracked open my blog life.... So, I realize I'm jumping in randomly =).
I enjoyed this post -- but then I usually enjoy your thoughts. I hope you will have patience with the thoughts I have flowing out of my fingers right now! A recovery slogan I hove come love is, "What other people think of me is none of my business." Hehehehe. I find it funny because I have HAD to be reminded of it A LOT and I laugh at myself for going there in the first place! Clearly, you don't have that problem. Here's my friends mantra, "If you don't like my gate, don't swing on it." That from her WWII vet dad, the rancher. Sounds a little Ellsworth, doesn't it?
And the other, really more pertinant feedback I have is that I LOVE your outlook and reminder for me that mistakes are proof positive we are being tutored. Hopefully, I use my mistakes as traction to keep me moving forward. When I have made a humdinger or at least can't shake the pain of my humdinger, it helps me when I think of older (ahem, more experienced) individuals who speak of past learning experiences (often in tones of reverence) that helped refine and shape them into the effective, influential, beautiful people I know them to be at present. Sure love you, Al! Thanks for sharing =)
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