Hmmm...

Should I consider it a compliment that one of my sisters considers me her "favorite eligible sister"? Keep in mind that of our other three sisters, one is married and the other two are on missions. Oh well, whether it is complimentary or not, Rachel is still my favorite younger sister who wears pants on a regular basis.

Today was the first day of interviews for BYU's MFT program. It was weird to think that I was there only a year ago. It was weird to be one of the students to whom the applicants asking questions about the program and about what is it like to have clients. It made me realize, at least a little bit, how far I've come in the last year. And that was empowering. I just logged onto the case management system to write up case notes for a recent therapy session. In the left-hand corner of the screen it says "Allison Ellsworth (Therapist)". I stared and it for a few seconds, in awe. Even though it wasn't the first time I'd noticed it. It feels more real now. It's exciting. And it is weird to think that in another year, I will almost be done with my 500 hours of clinical experience and will be applying for graduation. I like weird.

I was complimented today in regards to a heel-click I did yesterday. I don't remember doing a heel-click. Apparently it was while I was jumping off the conference table during the class I was teaching. I still can't believe I don't remember the heel-click. It was probably because I was focusing on the take-off and landing. Oh well.

Getting Old

The other day, as I was in the basement of the JFSB, I read through the several fliers on the various bulletin boards I passed by. One was looking for female participants for a research study. As I read through it I found that I met much of the criterion for participation. But then I got to the age restrictions. Ages 18-25. I'm too old. And for a moment, I felt it. It was a sad moment. But, on the bright side, at least I haven't passed out lately or inadvertently put my clothes on backwards.

Color-blind Chameleon

As I was walking home from campus this evening, I spied some girls I assumed to be in my ward. It was but an assumption since I am still not able to recognize anyone in my ward by sight with the exception of my three roommates. Plus it was dark and I'm not all that familiar with ward boundaries. Anyway, luckily, my assumption proved accurate. I decided to wave, go up and introduce myself to said girls. And I did so. It was a good social interaction. Except that I noticed that I sort of modified my tone and personality to what I figured would mesh with what I perceived of their tones and personalities. As I walked away, it occurred to me that I wasn't fully being myself. I wasn't being someone else, but I was selective about what parts of myself were emerged and submerged. And I realized that in my attempt to adapt to hastily assumed surroundings, that I was being a bit of a social chameleon. Then I realized that I probably wasn't adapting in a way that was consistent with either myself or those other girls. And then I decided that I was being a color-blind chameleon.

And then I decided that the term "color-blind chameleon" is awesome. And now I want to develop a theory about it, prove it in my therapy and someday write a book about it just because it seems like a shnazzy title. But even beyond being an awesome title, I think the concept has a lot of merit in its application to interpersonal interaction. I think it is quite typical to try to read others' expectations and adapt accordingly in hopes of being accepted and approved of. But, in so doing, the social chameleons will either reveal their color-blindness and be alienated by their fraud, or else be so good at blending in that they lose their identity, the part of themselves they they really want to have accepted and validated. I would imagine that the ideal is not to be a chameleon at all, but to be one's self. Because if you put two color-blind chameleons together, I would imagine it would be difficult to attain a secure attachment since neither knows either's true self enough to truly accept it or to feel accepted.

Also, my book will have awesome illustrations.

Another reason I love my grandpa

My birthday card from Hermana Ellsworth (aka Nori) included a P.S. on the back of the card. It reads, and I quote, "Let me share you a piece of Grandpa's letter to me, 'We sure enjoy your letters but we sure need to do something about a husband for Allison. That girl worries me.'"

My Grandpa is my number one hero.

Judge not, that ye be not judged

This month marks the two-year anniversary of my being employed at the coding lab. And I love it. It was my undergraduate post-India employment, and it became my graduate school research assistantship. And recently, I have been allowed the opportunity to be one of the TAs in teaching the coding class. And essentially, as a TA, I get to team-teach the class with a co-worker. And, being the semi-vain person I am, I delight in thinking that I teach a 400-level capstone class to undergrads. I'm so cool.

I used to describe my job by saying that I "watch family videos and judge people". And while that isn't inaccurate, it isn't a very good description of what I do. So here's a more descriptive explanation of what it means to code.

Essentially, coding is quantifying behavior. I will observe two people interacting, and will identify certain behaviors, and give those behaviors a numerical rating. And that rating can then be used as part of a quantitative data set for research purposes. In the coding lab, we code observable data, in the form of video tasks that were recorded of families responding to discussion cards. We look at content, tone and affect.

For example, if I observe a wife giving her spouse a kiss on the cheek, I will code for Warmth/Support (WM), Physical Affection (AF) and Prosocial (PR). If it is followed by a compliment from the wife, I would add Escalate Warmth (EW). If the husband were to respond by pushing away his wife and calling her a derogatory name, I would code for Hostility (HS), Physical Attack (AT), Verbal Attack (VA) and Antisocial (AN). Other codes include, but are not limited to Humor/Laugh (HU), Sadness (SD), Anxiety (AX), Interrogation (IT), Communication (CO), and Listener Responsiveness (LR). There are also several parenting scales that are unique to coding parent-child tasks. For each scale, I will give a number score, ranging from 1-9, based on the frequency, intensity, and characteristic-ness of that behavior for each individual being coded. For example, I might give a dashing young father a score of 7 for Physical Attractiveness (PA). And I would give a parent a 5 on Quality Time (QT) if their child can name some examples of shared, mutually enjoyed activities.

I think that this is fascinating. Granted, I also thing that its cool to play Girl Talk on the roof of the chicken coop and that Bloated Heifers and Flaming Arrows would be an awesome name for a roadtrip CD (and when Kris and Nor get back from their missions, its going to happen). There are probably those whose interests diverge from my own.

Anyway, moral of the story: I love my job. And now I'm going to go work on a powerpoint to use in tomorrow's class.

P.S. I've decided that we need to start having a Song of the Week in the coding lab. The overall theme song is Every Breath You Take by The Police. Because, let's be honest, if the lyrics "every move you make, I'll be watching you" don't describe coding, I don't know what does. This week's song is A Little Less Talk and a Lot More Action by Toby Keith, which hopefully acts as a gentle reminder to keep focused on work. By the end of the semester, I anticipate having an awesome Coding Lab CD. I will probably title it "Consistent Discipline for Coders".