Yesterday in my Conflict Resolution class, I had an epiphany. A few really. For an assignment due that day, I had filled out the Thoman-Kilman Conflict Resolution Instrument to determine my primary conflict resolution style. It offers five options, competing, collaborating, compromizing, accommodating and avoiding, each representing varying levels of assertiveness and cooperation. In filling out this 30-item questionnaire you are to first think of a given situation, context or relationship where you are faced with conflicts within which to consider and the questions. I first thought of a particular relationship and answered the questions. My results showed that I was extremely low on competing and collaborating, and was on the higer end of compromising, accommodating and avoiding. This confirmed a view of myself that I long held, believing myself to inassertive, passive and weak.
Which was a little discouraging to be honest. But then I thought of another context, work. At the coding lab, most of my coding is compared to that of another marital coder, and where there is disagreement in our ratings, we must meet together, review the data and consensatize until we come to an agreement. I decided to retake the test with my approach to conflict resolution in consensus meetings in mind. And oh what a difference! Compromise stayed pretty much the same, but all other scales were polar opposites. For each scale there was a possibility of up to 12 points. Initially I had scored a one and two on competing and collaborating, with a nine and ten on accommodating and avoiding. Now, I had eight and ten on competing and collaborating, and two and three on the others. Such a change!
And that led to the epiphany and paradigm shift that I'm so excited about. I'm not the weak person that I thought I was, or at least, I don't have to be and that doesn't characterize me completely. Granted, the fact that some relationships elicit such a weak side of myself is somewhat concerning, but there are so reasonable rationale for that I suppose. It reflects that I value relationships. It also reflects my tendency to not have strong opinions about things and to defer to those who do feel more passionate. And I guess it shows that I'm a people-pleaser.
And I'm glad I value relationships and consider the needs and wants of others. I think that that is a strength. I try to live true to Buber's "I-Thou" existential approach to viewing other people. I see them as people with needs and wants as valid as my own and treat them accordingly. I just need to make sure that I don't minimize my own. I do feel that I need to have stronger opinions, and a firmer sense of self. I shouldn't feel a need to be self-sacrificing, or to necessarily put others above or before myself, just on equal planes. But I feel like I am progressing towards that.
Anyway, I was just excited to recognize a false schema and to realize that I'm not weak and that I don't need to view myself as such. I can be assertive and make things happen and make myself heard and understood, and I want to extend those qualities to other spheres of my life where appropriate.
Oh, and my other sort of epiphany from class was relative to my more passive conflict styles. I realized that my inclination when dealing with others that I don't want to disappoint or offend or oppose is to not represent my thoughts, opinions or needs. I don't seek for conflict resolution. Instead, I find myself seeking to rationalize away the issue in what I decided to term conflict dissolution. I figure that if i don't have an opinion or simply don't care, then there is no conflict. The problem has dissolved into nothingness. Unfortunately, that doesn't give me a lot of credit and it deprives both parties of the potential growth and benefits of resolving issues. After all, peace is more than a lack of conflict. And I, in my philosophizing, consider resolution a greater means to that end than any manner or avoidant approach.
In case you can't tell, I like to spend a lot time learning about myself and finding ways to improve. I see myself as a work-in-progress. And I feel that I am progressing well and I am loving the process.
1 comment:
Wow, I learned about myself too, in your self-analysis. Very cool. I tend to be like you, and still, as old as I am (and yes, you remind me of that often) I still am learning. I am more confident that I used to be, but can always improve. I have a pretty good handle on myself with friends or acquaintences, but have had to learn the lesson all over with strong willed children. Thanks for the insight! YOU ARE DEEP!
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