Lessons from Lamoni: The Fear to Offend

I came across a letter that I wrote to some missionaries several years ago.  And I found it rather insightful and figured I would share it here.  Enjoy!

Today I have been pondering upon ways that a “fear to offend” eclipses our ability to love, and is often a stealthy way that the adversary tricks us into abdicating our agency.  Good topic, eh?  I like to think so.

On my mission, and many times since, I have lacked the courage and boldness to open my mouth.  On the mission I was scared making street contacts, and in other contexts, I have been afraid to challenge unrighteousness or to instigate a confrontation that would invite positive change.  And a lot of the time, my biggest excuse is that I am afraid of offending someone. 

But I’ve been pondering on this excuse today, and have come to some conclusions.  I have concluded that at times I allow my fear of offending man to supercede my fear of offending God.  I have concluded that at times I have allowed my fear to offend to overpower the freedom to act out of love.  I also learned that Satan uses fear to paralyze man so that they do not use their agency.  It is a clever and horrible trick that prevents people from being motivated by love.  Dang fear.

In the Bible Dictionary we learn that  “the first effect of Adam’s sin was that he was afraid (Gen. 3: 10)”. Satan teaches and beguiles us to fear because it keeps us from doing good.  And even something as good-intentioned as trying to avoid offending someone, can be Satan at work.  Especially if that fear stands between us and what we feel love and the Spirit would otherwise motivate us do.  Fear is an enemy of agency.  When we fear, we become agents to be acted upon rather than agents to act, and thus we cannot do the things that are required of us for good.

There is a scripture story in the Book of Mormon that mentions the fear to offend.  It is found in Alma 20.  It is the story of Ammon and Lamoni meeting Lamoni’s father on the road.  I’d like to tell you about some things that I have observed from that scriptural account.  We’ll cover verse 10 through 28, and then allude to a few other references from the chapters that follow.

Lamoni’s father is on his way to visit Lamoni to find out why his son failed to attend the feast he had recently hosted.  En route, he encounters his son, who is accompanied by Ammon.  He does little to hide his disapproval of his son’s travel companion choice.  Nor does he make any attempt to mask his contempt for Ammon when he asks Lamoni, “Whither art though going with this Nephite, who is one of the children of a liar?”  Lamoni does not take offense, but is instead focused on not giving offense to his powerful and disapproving father.  He responded by rehearsing where they are going, “for he feared to offend him”.  The word “rehearsing” makes me think that the communication lacked an element of connection and humanness to it.  And the reference to fear causes me to further assume a detachment from genuineness.  The source of that fear: a fear of offense.  Although there are likely other sources of fear inherent in confronting his father as well.  But I will focus on the fear of offending.

Despite Lamoni’s desire to avoid conflict, his father is quite angry, which was surprising to Lamoni.  Despite his passive efforts, his father still sought conflict and continued to degrade Ammon and Lamoni’s association with him.  He even commanded Lamoni to kill Ammon.

Then Lamoni decides that his fear of God superceded his fear of offense.  He stood up for his friend and for what he knew was true, even at the risk of offense.  He bore his testimony to his dad.  And then we can see further why Lamoni feared his dad.  He became angry and was ready to attack his son with a sword.  Then Ammon stood up to protect and defend Lamoni.  He mediated the conflict.  And consistent with Lamoni’s fears, someone got hurt.  Ammon injured Lamoni’s father in defense of the son.  But in all his actions thus far, and in the ones that are yet to come, Ammon never acts out of anger or vengeance.  He acts out of love.  And his motivation and intent is always clear. He doesn’t wish to kill.  He doesn’t seek for self-aggrandizement or temporal gain or power.  He shows the love that he has for his brethren.  And he shows that he considers Lamoni to be like unto his brethren, and thus petitions for his freedoms.

When Lamoni’s dad saw “the great love he had”, he was astonished.  And he granted Lamoni his life, his land and his liberty, as well as more freedom and autonomy than ever before.  Beyond that, Lamoni’s dad now respected both Lamoni and Ammon, and “was desirous to learn” from them.

Now, I think that Ammon’s love, and the transparency of it, are essential elements.  If Ammon had acted in anger or in selfishness, this story would not have had such a positive ending.  Ammon still would have had the power to force the king into some outward changes, but they would have been temporary, and it ultimately would have led to later confrontations and the missionary work would not have flourished as it did.  But because Ammon acted out of love, and because Lamoni’s father saw and knew that Ammon was motivated by love, his heart was opened.  Love, one of the fruits of the Spirit, was the motivator.  Fear, the paralyzing decoy employed by the adversary, was not able to divert him from doing good.

Lamoni had some fears.  Were they valid?  Yes.  Were they realized?  Yes.  And the reaction was probably worse that he would have imagined.  Did he end up hurting someone he called about?   Yes.  But the confrontation was good.  Lamoni was able to stand for what he knew to be true.  He was protected.  And ultimately, he and his father had a better and more real relationship, Lamoni was respected, and he was given greater freedom.  Also, Lamoni’s father was then in a state of heart to receive the message of the gospel and because it, he, his household, and eventually many lands received the gospel and were blessed because of it.

What if Lamoni’s fear to offend had prevented that confrontation?  It would have also prevented resolution, progress and freedom.  His courage to testify of truth may have instigated a period of turbulence, but that in turn led to a more positive end for the relationship, for his life, and for many other people.

So, moral of the story: If you are afraid to open your mouth to share the gospel, assess and find out if that fear comes from the adversary and is disabling you.  Find out if your fear is acting upon you.  And if such is the case, pray for the courage to break through your fear and act out of the love that would invite you to action.  If you fear addressing problems with a companion, have the courage to confront them in love, if you can do so with the Spirit, and if you feel that the timing is right.  Don’t let fear dominate your decisions by paralyzing you to inaction.

I think that two of the greatest limiters I have struggled with (and still do at times), are the fear of offending, and the fear of doing wrong.  In response to these fears, I often do nothing.  And in doing nothing, I do not serve the world.  I do not progress.  I do not help others to progress.  I do not become better.  I am a proponent of being an agent to act.  Try not to choose to let fear act upon you.  Do not allow it to persuade you to abdicate your agentive role. 

Okay, end of rant.  I kind of feel passionately about that topic.  I love agency.  I don’t like fear that diverts me from doing and being what I know is right.  So…follow the Spirit and be motivated by love.  And know that you are loved.  Because you are.  By me.  Keep working hard and doing good.  And don’t get discouraged.  It’s another decoy of the adversary.  Just turn to the Savior for strength.