Hard Decisions and Defining Plan A

Today I received an email that reminded me of an email exchange I had back in November with an old friend.  She had asked me about my decision to leave my PhD program and today she followed up with me on her decision.  Also, yesterday another old friend reached out and made reference to my decision to leave my PhD program in a kind voicemail.

I remember hearing once that, oftentimes, repetition isn't redundancy, but revelation.  To have two friends from BYU days reach out within two days and make mention of the same event makes it seem like more than a coincidence to me.  Perhaps there is something I need to remember or reflect on.  And/or share.  Accordingly, I plan on doing some reflecting.  But for the sake of this blog post, I'm just going to share my email exchange, lest it be meaningful or interesting to anyone else.  Enjoy.

The initial email I received:

Hey, Allison,

I hope this finds you well. I'm emailing because I find myself in somewhat of an existential crisis and I thought you might have some advice. I'm in the first semester of my doc program. It's great so far. I enjoy my classes and research. But, I'm also expecting a baby... I'm trying to reconcile my plan A with my plan B and am considering not finishing my degree. I haven't decided anything yet, but am gathering information. I wanted to ask you what your reasons were for dropping out of your doc program. Are you happy with your decision? Would you make the same choice again, given the chance? Do you have any regrets? What have been the advantages and the disadvantages?

Thanks for your insight. I think you're pretty awesome. :-)

My Response:

Hey friend!

I was just thinking about you...and how I never responded to your text from forever ago.  Sorry!  I'm happy to hear from you.  Congratulations about expecting!

As one that has been through my version of that existential crisis, I am happy to share my experiences and process with you.  I'll tackle your questions one by one and then add a few extra thoughts at the end.

1. What were my reasons for dropping out of my doctoral program?

I had a few reasons for dropping out of my doctoral program.  The one I generally tell people (and myself) is that I decided that continuing in a doctoral program wasn't aligned with my professional goals.  I learned in the course of my program that I wasn't passionate enough about research.  I realized that I didn't want to end up in academia, but rather wanted to be a therapist who did some adjunct teaching on the side.  I know that both of those things were possible with the Masters degree I already had.  In my mind, it didn't make sense to incur more debt and invest more time to achieve a degree that I didn't really need.  My other reasons related to a self-perceived lack of proficiency in statistics and in what I like to call "inertia problems", ie, I had some mild depression that made it very difficult for me to motivate myself to do the work I needed and to do at a caliber that I was satisfied with... 

2. Am I happy with my decision?

I am at peace with my decision.  For me, it was a considerable process to make the decision that I did.  I did not want to quit.  I felt a sense of duty to complete what I started and didn't want to be casual about it.  I spent a long time pondering, praying, counseling with family and attending the temple before feeling that I'd received revelation to know how to proceed.  Because I felt assured that it was the right decision at that time for me, I have always felt at peace.

3. Would I make the same choice again, given the chance?

Yes.  However, if not for the assurance I found through personal revelation, I would likely feel differently.

4. Do I have any regrets?

No, not really.  There have been a few moments here and there where I wonder what it would have been like, or I feel slightly envious of friends who completed their doctorates.  And because I'm currently in a rather lame job, I sometimes wonder if it might have been better to stay for the free supervision.  But I feel good that my decision was the right decision for me to make.

5. What have been the advantages and the disadvantages?

The advantages have included avoiding further debt (I actually paid off all my student loans this year!), and moving into my desired profession a few years earlier than I would have otherwise.  Because I decided to move back to my hometown, I have also enjoyed being closer to family and being around nieces and nephews.  I can also make jokes about having dropped out of school. :)  Disadvantages are the feeling of being left behind and/or having wasted time.  On the one hand I feel like I wasted time professionally by spending two years in the program and not having anything to show for it when I otherwise could be licensed by now.  And, on the other hand, I see my classmates who do now have PhDs and think that it could have been me.  I have fewer skills than I likely would have if I had stayed in my program.  And I do miss having access to academic journals and attending and presenting at conferences.

You mentioned Plan A vs. Plan B.  Something that I learned a while back is that what I had labeled as my Plan A (marriage and family) and Plan B (profession in teaching and counseling) were mislabeled.  Now when I think of Plan A, I think of it as Heavenly Father's plan for me.  I would rather live by His plan and His timing than have things work out the way that I think I want.  So I just try to do my best to align my will to His, act in faith and do the best I can and trust that things will work out.

I am very grateful for my time in Georgia.  I learned a lot and grew a lot.  But I also feel confident that it was right for me to leave earlier than I anticipated.  I trust that I could have finished, but I don't think it would have helped me progress towards my immediate professional or personal goals.  That was the right decision for me.

My advice?  Figure out what Heavenly Father's plan is for you and allow that to inform your choices.  I strongly believe that there is no calling or role more influential and powerful than that of motherhood.  But I also know that the Lord often uses women as healers, teachers, leaders and in other roles.  I don't know His plan for you except that I trust that your contributions to the world, whether in your home or outside it, will make the world a better place.

Good luck in your decision-making.  I trust your ability to study things out by study and by faith and to make good choices.

I'd love to hear more about how things are going for you and your growing family!

Your friend,

Allison Ellsworth